Almost 8 months has gone by since the first day I was put on bed rest while pregnant with Alice. Its hard to know how to explain those months that have passed by. They went so slowly but also way too fast. My little Oliver was only 13 1/2 months old and I was physically unable to take care of him. I was uncomfortable, scared, and sad. Yet, at the same time, my eyes were opened up to so much love and support from everyone around me-even strangers. I dreamed of the day my baby girl would be born. I felt like it meant everything I was feeling would come to an end. The day she actually came truly was such a relief and so amazing, but my feelings did not go back to normal like I'd imagined.
Before I go on, I am so in love with my children. They are my life. I am grateful for every moment I get to spend with them because I know how things could be different. I know many parents have to face days without their kids. But when Alice was born, my emotions didn't get better, in fact they seemed to get worse. I felt lost, and felt like I was failing as mom for feeling that way. My sweet girl arrived with no complications, no NICU stay-just a big, healthy chunk. She ate like a pro and even slept great for a newborn (wish she would have kept that habit up!) I had a sweet little boy who basically had no jealously to the new baby, he was sweet to her and sweet to me. My family was supportive and helpful with the transition to two kids. Mike was so patient and helped out any time he was home. I was so blessed during that time but felt so sad most of the time. I'd have mood swings and in my head I could think logically, but I couldn't make my emotions be that way. Every day I would think to myself-WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Finally I went to talk to my sister. It was such a relief to get how I was feeling off my chest. But I felt embarrassed and ashamed. Honestly sometimes I still do-which I know is ridiculous but hey-its how I feel. I called my midwife and she said it sounded like I was having postpartum depression. We figured out a plan. I felt hopeful.
Every day is different for me. I am feeling so much better than I did in those early months after I had Alice, but just when I feel like things have been up for a while, those feelings come rushing back. Its such a weird thing, and its hard to explain, but the best way I can is to say I feel out of control. Everyone around me is so supportive, even those who don't know what I am going through. So to anyone who has ever said a kind word, thank you-it means a lot.
I am still hopeful that I will feel 100% like myself again soon. There are days, weeks at a time that I do, which is encouraging. Of course this year my goals are to be a better mother, friend, and wife, but my main goals are all about me and thats OK, because to be a better person in all of those ways, I need to feel good.
And with that, I say bring on 2013. It's going to be a good year.